The Weekend - Reader's.Digest version

So, this weekend wasn't the greatest.
Friday, I chilled out w/ my Mom. Talked to JP and went out to eat.
Saturday, I worked, got my hair done, and went out to dinner w/ my girls in the office. It was a reward for the good work that they have done so far. They're the greatest!! We had a really good time and I'm so glad that I was able to take them out!
Later on, BF called and said that he had had a really good day at work and he was all hyped up. I asked him what he was doin' that evening' and he said he was hangin out w/ his brother and his boys. *insert instant attitude* I just got irritated at the fact that it never even crossed his mind to see if I wanted to do anything- as usual. So here I am sitting on the phone- boilin'!
He was askin' me what was wrong and I told him that it would have been nice if he had had even half a thought - to see if I may have wanted to do somethin', but at this point, it was too late. So, I spent Saturday night alone - pissed.
Sunday morning, I called him when I got up and of course we started arguin, 'cuz I was still pissed from the previous night. I think I called him back at least 2 or 3 times, because I would get off the phone and think of something else to fuss about. After I got off from the last call, I just decided that I needed to be done with this ridiculous bullshit ass relationship. I thought about it for a little while, then I got up and got showered and dressed. Prepared to meet him out, somewhere, and just end the shit.
Of course, at this point, he stopped answering his phone!! LOL I guess he was tired of hearin' me bitch. I called a few more times while I was in my car- headed to my Moms, 'cuz I had waay too amped to be just sitting in my house by myself. I stayed over there for a while and finally ended up fallin' off to sleep. I slept for a while, but once I got up, I was ready for the confrontation once again. I called and he answered and said that he had been sleepin' - although the earlier phone calls were ignored. :-{
I told him that I needed to see him, so I met him over his house. I was much calmer than I had been earlier that day. It's probably a good idea that he ignored those couple of calls, I was obviously too hype!
I ended up stayin' over there for a couple of hours and I just told him (a-fuckin'-gain) how I have been feeling and that I'm tired of the bullshit and the excuses and I need to get out of this for my own sanity. It was nothin' loud, but just me gettin' my point across. He got loud one time,but I didn't even let it faze me. I've had enuff.
We went outside and he was just standing by the car while we were talkin'. He asked where I stood and I told him again that this relationship- or whatever the fuck it has turned into- is not for me. Then I told him to give me my key back. He went in the house and got it and then we talked for a little while longer. I mentioned somethin' about him spending all his time w/ his brother and friends and then he flew off the handle! Started cussin' and closed my car door, still cussin', stormed into his house and slammed the door!!! I turned the car on, backed out and drove the hell home- just as calm as I pleased!! See, when I'm tired, I'm tired & there's no need for a whole bunch f back and forth shit. I did not shed a tear- just felt like I had exerted all my effort and that was it. I had no intentions on calling him on Sunday or ever.
Ok, so I'm in the crib for all of 5 minutes before the cell rings. I had to look to see who it was, 'cuz I had already erased his ass outta my address book - no more special ring for his sorry ass!! lol
He apologized for cussin' at me and said that I didn't deserve to be talked to like that - duh!!! I was just like alright, thanx - silence... Finally, he was like well, that' all I wanted to say. I'm like cool and I hung up. He called back a few times wanted to know if I wanted him to come by, so we could talk - nope! I'm tired of having the same conversation and I'm tired of bein' sad all the fuckin' time and arguin' like it's my gaddam job!!! No thanx!
We finally got off the phone for the last time and I went to bed early. I was exhausted and just needed to get some rest for the upcoming day.
I didn't even bother to text JP, so you know I was in no mood.
Well, what do you know- at 8:00 this morning, I got a call at work from BF. He's all cheery and Good Morning-ish. WTF?? Who is this?? How come I usually get the "bullshit-negro-can-barely-open-his-mouth-and-say-good-morning any other time? Now it's all love? Not only that, he called several times today in a good mood- filled with the good conversation like we used to have way back when. When was that, anyway??? He talked about where WE should go on our vacation.... Huh?? Did you not hear me last night??? Crazy!
So where does this lead, who the fuck knows! All I know is that if being broken up is what brings his ass back around, then good for him!! I not worryin' about when and if I hear or see him- he can do whatever. Call or don't call- makes me no difference. I think I will be happier like this. If I don't have expectations for him to do certain shit, then technically there is no room for disappointment. However, I expect the same treatment.

Still fits...after all these years.

So, what about JP, you ask?? Well, I know you didn't really ask, but this is my blog so shutup and read. LOL
Well, we have still been keepin' in touch and I'm really glad to be reunited with him. You ever caught up with an old friend that knew you from waaaay back??? I'm talkin' 'bout like when we was sexin' - and had no idea what we were doin', but swore we did! Like way before I reached my current status of Grown & Sexy! Talkin' to him feels like tryin on an old pair of jeans that fit just right! I'm mad I'm comparin' him to an old pair of pants, but that's what it is- mad comfortable.
So little by little I've told him some of the stuff that has been goin' on with BF & I. Not in detail, but the basics of needin' to get some stuff off my chest after a long day of being at work and fussin' w/ BF. Not tellin' him on some "I hate my boyfriend, let me see what you got ta offer", but for real on some - we talk so damned much that it inevitable that it would come up.
He has his own set of issues - in the middle of some crazy separation, tryna figure out if he should go back. That's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day.
I guess the main thing about him is that he has become a good ol' friend- again. It's weird because for the 8 years that we didn't talk, I didn't miss him. I rarely, if ever thought about him and after that out of the blue call a few months ago, I figured I'd probably never hear from him again- which was cool with me.
This is even better than it was when we were dating. Back then, we were kids tryna be grown. Now we're grown and past all the sex that clouds minds. We've talked about all kinds of shit that I had long since forgotten. Like the time we got caught by the police messin around in his Momma's old ass Beretta! And the time I skipped school to be with him and almost got killed by my Mom when she found out...The good old days...
I'm heading home to Detroit for a few days in December. I'm looking forward to seeing him!
Funny how people come into your life at a time when you need the companionship- a lot of times without even knowing it.
JP's History <- in case you don't know the story. :-)

In Need? Indeed!

I was crying, again, last night. I'm normally not a cry baby, but I have just been REALLY upset, about a lot of stuff. Last night, BF cooked out on the grill. Sounds fun, right? Well, it was alright. Until he got into a pissy ass mood about whatever... The chicken was so overcooked that we ended up throwing it away. lol- no big deal. Well, his mouth was poked out and so after a while I decided to leave. Ain't no need of us both sitting around lookin' simple.
He walked me outside and then commenced to tell me what was really bothering him. He had been thinkin' about some stuff that had gone down b/t he and his child's Mother. They don't get along at all and she gets an E for Effort (?) when it comes to parenting. He's all stressed b/c he hates for her for not being around like she should and for her trifling ways. Stressed because he doesn't want his son to use her as any type of example for anything. Stressed because he doesn't have a lot of help regarding his son.... All valid points, but as I was listening to him spew his venom, I was really wondering if he is capable of letting me in and loving me as I need. He's not always been this way- I mean there was always a tinge of distrust & paranoia of most people, but it has definitely gotten worse.
I listened because I knew that he needed to get it off his chest, but most of what I was hearing was that he is never going to be able to be open, and caring like he once was. Now, maybe never is a strong word, but that is what it is starting to look like.
SO, I cried because of the disappointment and confusion. I didn't cry in front of him, b/c I left before the tears started falling. I didn't make it home before they came rushing out. I felt like shit.
I was sad that the little time that we do get to spend together usually turns into some sort of minor catastrophe. Example: The 'Skins game, Christmas shopping, Valentine's Day, my Birthday - to name a few.
I was disappointed in what this relationship has turned into. He is no longer my confidant. We don't talk on the phone for hours and share intimate secret laughs... I'm no longer comfortable like I used to be. We don't have tender moments & I miss them. Not that we were ever all Harlequin Romance-ish, but damn!
I felt selfish because although I could hear and see his pain, I kept on thinking about what his thoughts and reactions meant - in relationship to me. I KNOW that not everything is about me, but I have to look out for myself. No one else is looking out for me, which is yet another disappointment. I guess I always felt that he would always have my back. It has been extremely difficult, but I have come to realize that he is incapable of showing me the affection that he used to show so effortlessly.
I'm torn. How long do I stick in there? When do I draw the line? Have I done all that I could possibly do? Are we both kidding ourselves? Am I exaggerating the situation? Maybe it's not as bad as it appears. Maybe it is...

Recycling

I've been gone for a minute. I've been busy as hell at work, which has really taken a toll on my blogging - bastards!!! :-) Work really had me trippin' for a minute. We FINALLY took on that new project and I had to increase my office hours - 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. Because everything was so hectic, I was working all twelve hours, everyday- tryin' to keep my head above water. Well lemme share somethin'' w/ ya: 12 hours a day, six days a week for a few weeks will put yo ass in a mental institution!
I could not sleep through the night. I was waking up at 12:30, 1:30, 3:00... And when I say wakin' up, I'm talkin' 'bout wide the fuck awake. The biggest problem w/ that is that I would have to be up at 5 in order to make it to the "plantation" by 7!!! Then I would be tired as shit by about 10. Only to get off at 7 and force myself to stay awake- tryin' to insure that I would sleep through the night. Talk about a vicious circle!!
Well, somethin' interestin' and pathetic developed during those times of me survivin' on 2 and 3 hours of sleep. See, because I would be awake in the middle of the night, I would need someone to talk to. The only people up at those hours (usually) are people that work at night - insert J.P. and Ol' Boy... How come everything that is old, is new again??
JP and I have been keepin' in touch EVERYDAY since he first texted (word?) me when Ang was in town back in June. When I say everyday, I'm not exaggerating. It's not the back in the day talk, but the good ol' catchin' up and simply enjoying each other kinda chat. I had honestly forgotten how silly he is! Now, you may be sayin' "How much catchin' up is there?", but I have been thoroughly enjoying the conversation & the attention. We've already discuss the fact that it is weird that we have talked mored this last month than we have talked in a decade! Strange... The good thing is that I already know what he's about and I have no interest in pursuing anything more than this friendship. It's all very interesting to me. MY EX-BOYFRIENDS NEVER REALLY GO AWAY, they may be in hibernation for a while- but they always reappear. I'm just waiting to hear from Kenny that I used to "go with" in the 4th grade! :-D
The wedding in Philly is August 12th and I'm so excited!! I've talked to Ol' Boy a lot recently and I can't wait to see him!! It's been 3 years since the last time I saw him!! It's not like we'll get a bunch of time to chill out- b/t the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, Bachelor & Bachelorette parties, & then the wedding... we'll have to sneak away and catch up. I'll keep ya posted. ;-)
Alright, that's all I have for right now. There's some other stuff goin' on, but I'm really not ready to go into a bunch of details right now. Lemme get my mind right. I've been feelin' like shit since my Bday last week and I gotta find a way to remedy that situation. Keep ya fingers crossed for me! <3