In Need? Indeed!
I was crying, again, last night. I'm normally not a cry baby, but I have just been REALLY upset, about a lot of stuff. Last night, BF cooked out on the grill. Sounds fun, right? Well, it was alright. Until he got into a pissy ass mood about whatever... The chicken was so overcooked that we ended up throwing it away. lol- no big deal. Well, his mouth was poked out and so after a while I decided to leave. Ain't no need of us both sitting around lookin' simple.
He walked me outside and then commenced to tell me what was really bothering him. He had been thinkin' about some stuff that had gone down b/t he and his child's Mother. They don't get along at all and she gets an E for Effort (?) when it comes to parenting. He's all stressed b/c he hates for her for not being around like she should and for her trifling ways. Stressed because he doesn't want his son to use her as any type of example for anything. Stressed because he doesn't have a lot of help regarding his son.... All valid points, but as I was listening to him spew his venom, I was really wondering if he is capable of letting me in and loving me as I need. He's not always been this way- I mean there was always a tinge of distrust & paranoia of most people, but it has definitely gotten worse.
I listened because I knew that he needed to get it off his chest, but most of what I was hearing was that he is never going to be able to be open, and caring like he once was. Now, maybe never is a strong word, but that is what it is starting to look like.
SO, I cried because of the disappointment and confusion. I didn't cry in front of him, b/c I left before the tears started falling. I didn't make it home before they came rushing out. I felt like shit.
I was sad that the little time that we do get to spend together usually turns into some sort of minor catastrophe. Example: The 'Skins game, Christmas shopping, Valentine's Day, my Birthday - to name a few.
I was disappointed in what this relationship has turned into. He is no longer my confidant. We don't talk on the phone for hours and share intimate secret laughs... I'm no longer comfortable like I used to be. We don't have tender moments & I miss them. Not that we were ever all Harlequin Romance-ish, but damn!
I felt selfish because although I could hear and see his pain, I kept on thinking about what his thoughts and reactions meant - in relationship to me. I KNOW that not everything is about me, but I have to look out for myself. No one else is looking out for me, which is yet another disappointment. I guess I always felt that he would always have my back. It has been extremely difficult, but I have come to realize that he is incapable of showing me the affection that he used to show so effortlessly.
I'm torn. How long do I stick in there? When do I draw the line? Have I done all that I could possibly do? Are we both kidding ourselves? Am I exaggerating the situation? Maybe it's not as bad as it appears. Maybe it is...
He walked me outside and then commenced to tell me what was really bothering him. He had been thinkin' about some stuff that had gone down b/t he and his child's Mother. They don't get along at all and she gets an E for Effort (?) when it comes to parenting. He's all stressed b/c he hates for her for not being around like she should and for her trifling ways. Stressed because he doesn't want his son to use her as any type of example for anything. Stressed because he doesn't have a lot of help regarding his son.... All valid points, but as I was listening to him spew his venom, I was really wondering if he is capable of letting me in and loving me as I need. He's not always been this way- I mean there was always a tinge of distrust & paranoia of most people, but it has definitely gotten worse.
I listened because I knew that he needed to get it off his chest, but most of what I was hearing was that he is never going to be able to be open, and caring like he once was. Now, maybe never is a strong word, but that is what it is starting to look like.
SO, I cried because of the disappointment and confusion. I didn't cry in front of him, b/c I left before the tears started falling. I didn't make it home before they came rushing out. I felt like shit.
I was sad that the little time that we do get to spend together usually turns into some sort of minor catastrophe. Example: The 'Skins game, Christmas shopping, Valentine's Day, my Birthday - to name a few.
I was disappointed in what this relationship has turned into. He is no longer my confidant. We don't talk on the phone for hours and share intimate secret laughs... I'm no longer comfortable like I used to be. We don't have tender moments & I miss them. Not that we were ever all Harlequin Romance-ish, but damn!
I felt selfish because although I could hear and see his pain, I kept on thinking about what his thoughts and reactions meant - in relationship to me. I KNOW that not everything is about me, but I have to look out for myself. No one else is looking out for me, which is yet another disappointment. I guess I always felt that he would always have my back. It has been extremely difficult, but I have come to realize that he is incapable of showing me the affection that he used to show so effortlessly.
I'm torn. How long do I stick in there? When do I draw the line? Have I done all that I could possibly do? Are we both kidding ourselves? Am I exaggerating the situation? Maybe it's not as bad as it appears. Maybe it is...
posted by Ms.Behavin at 4:49 PM
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