Check this out. This is an exchange between me (J), my girl Mik, and this chic TJ - that I used to be cool with.
let me give you a a little background information, first. I met TJ & Mik during my sophomore year and Hampton U. TJ and Mik were roommates and best friends. We became fast friends and have stayed in touch through the years. Mik is my girl in Philly - the wedding that I'm going to be in in August.
TJ has been in the picture off and on... Whenever she didn't have a man, she would come around and then she'd be gone again. I had gotten used to her bullshit and accepted her as she was - crazy (man-crazy) and selfish.
She had pulled one of her disappearing acts and had been gone for close to 2 years, then she reappeared- somehow. It's been a while now, so I can't really remember the details...
Anyhoo.. right around the time that she reappeared, I was having my annual Ladies at the Lake Weekend at my Dad's lake house. I invited her and surprise, surprise she actually showed up!!!! We all had a really good time that weekend, and after that, I made a concerted effort to keep in touch with her on a regular basis. We talked via email or cell phone damn near everyday.
She had gotten back with her boyfriend and after a while they got engaged. Now I had already decided that I had had enough of weddings and would not be in anymore. So when she told me of the big news , I was very happy for her, and secretly wishing that she wouldn't ask me to be in it.
--I had a terrible experience last year when I was in my cousin's wedding and decided that the next & only wedding that I would be in , would be my own. Which ain't the case, but Mik is an exception--
They were going back and forth about where the wedding would be. They said they were going to go to the Justice of the Peace, then they decided to go to Vegas and go to a little Chapel or whatever. That worked great for me, and when she asked if I thought BF and I would be able to go out there, I told her that with my hectic work schedule, it is highly unlikely. Now, don't get me wrong, I could have made it to Vegas, but I really wasn't interested. I had forgiven her for all of her past bullshit, but I was not interested in spending a lot of money to be included in her big day. I had never even met the guy that she was marrying.
Well after much debate, she decided to get married in Richmond, where they live. DAMN!!! So inevitably, she asked the dreaded question - would I be in her wedding... I had to decline, b/c I just didn't wanna do it. She said that she understood after all of the stupid stuff that had happened with my cousin's wedding and that was that. The next call that I made was to Mik. I called to let her know that I had turned TJ down and that she should feel compelled to be in it, so that TJ wouldn't be too upset... LOL
Long story- short... Mik declined, also - she has her own set of reasons.
We didn't hear anything from TJ for about a week - which was unusual for me. I didn't try to contact her because I figured that I would give her some time to cool off and then all would be fine. In the meanwhile, Mik had called her several times and left messages on both her work and cell phones - to no avail. Mik said she was starting to get worried about TJ & asked me if I thought she was ok. I assured her that TJ was fine and was probably just mad... Well on that very day, both Mik & I received this email from TJ:
This was very hard to write. I hope you guys don't hate me, you probably will though, but I had to let you know the deal.
Let me start by saying that I do love you guys but at the same time I am very, very, very hurt by both of you. I know our relationships aren't what they used to be but never in my dreams would I think you guys wouldn't be in my wedding whenever it came around and vice versa. Your financial reasons although admirable are just excuses to me. You two always have money to do things you want to do, Myrtle Beach trips, Cruise, Women's empowerment weekends, birthday bashes, homecoming weekends, California, overseas trips not to mention spur of the moment trips. I have been the one who always struggles to do these things and have most often declined to go for that reason. I'd hate to think that you two choose this occasion to pull the "financial reasons" card. Is it to get back at me? You both say you're over the past and how I treated you guys. I have apologized so many times and I carry so much guilt that I guess I feel I owe it to you guys to do anything you want me to get things back the way they were. I see now that they will never get back to that point, all due to me. I can jump through hurdles until I run out of breath and never get things back to "normal". So it makes me think you don't want to be in my wedding for that reason, not that you can't afford it. It is August 16th, the wedding is JUNE 10th, that's almost 10 months away. Friends, no matter what always seem to be there in good times and bad and I just knew that you guys would be there in this good, great time for me. I definitely planned to be there if you had asked me. I was wrong. In the back of my mind, I had a feeling one of you would say no, I had no idea both of you would. It makes me think you two had already talked about this with each other, knowing I would ask you both. Maybe I'm paranoid, but that's what I feel. To actually know that you two can make it to the wedding but won't be in it upsets me. I never pictured you two in the audience...Always pictured you in it. Anyway, I'm tired of trying to make things right and kissing asses anymore. I've made my peace with my past actions towards you two and you say you have too but the most recent punch in the stomach tells me other wise. You got me back good!!! It was hard for me to write this so don't think it was easy. That's why I haven't answered any calls or emails because I was getting my thoughts together on how I would say what I had to say. I had so much emotion that I couldn't sort it out until today. Needless to say I will not be in "The Burg" this weekend and I would appreciate no further contact. I wish you both the best in life, sincerely I do. You'll probably hate me and respond with harsh words of some sort, so I'm ready for it, or you may not respond. I'm ready either way. I've come to terms with things at this point so nothing you could say would hurt me anymore than what you did. I had to do what was best for me.
Love,
TJ
WTF???? and I repeat - WHAT THE FUCK???? IS THIS BROAD INSANE?? This is the Same chic that came to my LITTLE ASS TOWN for a wedding, and then called when it was over and said that she was heading home!!! Even though I had already told her earlier that week that wanted to see her while was her. Afterall, I had not seen her ass in like 2 years and she had never seen my house - which I had built sometime during one of her disappearing acts!!! You can reach everything in my town from point A to B in 15 minutes. Aside from that, who the fuck has to tell a "friend" to stop by when their in town???? I guess I wasn't important enough to see!! She had to rush home to her MAN!!!!
Mik emailed her back:
I wouldn't normally respond so emotionally and would take at the very least a few minutes to reply, but I'm thinking right now emotion is why you need! HOW DARE YOU????? I am literally seeing stars. My mind is jello right now. I can't believe you and the "stance" you've chosen to make. I'm shaking so badly right now I can barely type. You make everything ALL ABOUT YOU! SELFISH, & OBNOXIOUS is what comes to mind (w/o using profanity). I can't even put into words the disgust I have for you right now. I actually discussed this whole ordeal with my family last night, and never in all time would I expect this type of response from you--- of all people. You REQUIRE people to be "true friends" to you, but you have no freaking idea what it takes to be a true friend to others. Your wedding is not the first wedding I've declined to be in over the past 5 years. And actually, 5 years ago this Oct was when I made the decision that I would not be in anymore weddings unless it was my own, KV's, or Don Jr's. (KV & I made that decision together. And she has declined 3 different weddings with friends that were longer friends than you & me, and friends who have not disappointed her AT ALL in her life. Did they cut her off???? ABSOLUTELY NOT! They accepted & moved on) So for you to think that my WORLD revolves around you & what you do is completely INSANE. You weren't even an active part of my life at the time I made this decision, so I DID NOT make a conscious decision to HURT you regardless of the many times you've left me distraught & wounded!!! I did forgive you totally. My recent decision was not personal (as I told you) nor was it part of any CONSPIRACY THEORY that you conjured up. It's unfortunate that you can not think of anyone else other than yourself. You will not make it far in life treating people the way you've treated those who care most about you (including me & J). I never asked or required you to kiss my behind. Nor do I remember you even trying to kiss my behind. That is RIDICULOUS. Every time I've taken you back into my life it has been w/o reservation. You NEVER had to beg or plead. I'm not that type!!!! What do you think you've done that qualifies as you "jumping thru hoops". If you think emailing & calling & making one visit to my home out of at least 6 years is jumping thru hoops, you are sadly mistaken. That's called "MAINTAINING A FRIENDSHIP". --- Something you obviously have little to no experience in doing!!! Your words not mine, "Friends, no matter what always seem to be there in good times and bad..." What good or bad times were you there for me or J in the past 6 years? (with the exception of my last Birthday) I was there for every one of your "dramatic" breakups, all of your unemployment stints, every hard time you've ever shared with me, I've supported you. I've even offered to pay for you to attend certain "vacations" with the group! Not to mention that I had PLANNED to celebrate your most important one to date-- your wedding day. One does not have to BE IN a wedding, to help celebrate one. So in essence I want to say you have burnt 2 bridges that one day you'll really need and you'll look back at the below email and say, "I was a dumb-a__" Trust me- this one you will live to REGRET!!! I want you to print your email out and save it. Read it the day after your wedding, and again in about a year or so when you give birth to your first child, and again when you really NEED a true friend. And then let your children read it when they ask you why they have a friend that expects more than they give! Explain to them why no matter how many times they forgive and how much they give of themselves to others, that they get used, abused & taken advantaged of. See if you still feel the same why you do today.
And the only reason your "ready for any harsh words" is because you don't give a darn anyway. THAT'S OBVIOUS! No body who has REAL love for anyone would act the way you are, nor say the things you've said. Love is forgiveness (which I've done time after time) and love is UNCONDITIONAL, not just when you get what you want!! Trust me, I KNOW! It is you who has punched J & I in the stomach once again. But I'm throwing in my "sucker" sign that has obviously been on my back & forehead for quite some time.... I'M DONE!
GOOD - BYE!
Then TJ said:
You have expressed what I knew you felt all along which is what I wanted you to say rather than the B.S. you gave before. But your reason for not being in it was about RH and the girls, remember, and finances. "I feel obligated to give you a reason. RH & I have been planning to exchange our nuptials in 2006. We decided earlier in the year, but wanted to get the children's custody arrangement straightened out before hand. So that is why we haven't made it "official" and made any official announcements. Since we are in the court process now, we're hoping to have it all cleared up by the end of this year. And can not commit to a date until we have the court appointed arrangement in hand. So our finances are being "controlled" for that."You didn't mention anything about those reasons in your response. You didn't say anything about some "pact" you and KV made 5 years ago. Pact or no pact, when an old friend asks you say YES! Charny (known since 2000) was ecstatic, so was K-K(since '88), so was SheShe (since '84) and so was my close friend Arva (since '02). Nothing about pacts mentioned there! You (I've known since '93) should still make an exception, it's not like it's written in blood Mik that you can't or shouldn't be in anymore weddings unless it's your own. That to me is OBNOXIOUS and SELFISH!!! You can call me all the names you want. No pact would keep me from being in yours (if you had asked, clearly you wouldn't since I'm a terrible friend). Maybe I am a terrible friend but even so, I have feelings too and that just crushed everything to try to remain friends (no matter how distant) with you. EVERYONE has said that they would do the same thing I did if someone they considered a good friend or even a friend said no to being in their wedding, especially with the reasons you gave. That's why I asked you Mik, because you have always been a good friend to me so I wanted you to be a part of my day. But you couldn't see past some stupid agreement between you and KV, yeah, that's SELFISH to me. But you were never the one to see where you ever wrong. You are always crying about how someone did you wrong and you rose above it and forgave them like you're GOD or something, i.e. Michelle, Kelly, me. Everyone has to live life perfectly to be your friend. You said that people have asked you before and they didn't get mad, they got over it. Maybe THEY really weren't your friend because I AM hurt and disappointed. But all is well. I don't have to disappoint you anymore. You can say that AGAIN you were let down and you were the martyr in the whole thing. Oh, woe is me Mik!! And as far as looking back on this email, I don't regret anything I've said. I was truthful and honest about my feelings. Those years (6 as you say) were the worst times in my life (as of yet, God forbid) and I did shut you and J out, I do regret that but I can't go back and change it. I'll take the responsibility of ruining our friendship. So I'll take the responsibility as well of ending it. No regrets!!
Whaaat?? This chic ain't backin' down!! Mik said:
Woooow! Talk about letting it all hang out. You go girl! Your honesty is deafening & appreciated. I am amazed that you even wanted me in your wedding being that you've had these feelings about me all these years. Why exactly did you ask? Why exactly have you pretended to be my friend? And how could you even start your initial email with"I love you". The things you said below have obviously been the way you've felt over some time, so why the whole "song & dance". You are obviously much better off w/o me in your life and apparently never needed me in your life nor in your wedding, so this must be just your way of getting rid of the garbage or "taking out the trash". I am sorry to have taken up unnecessary space in your life. May God bless you today, tomorrow & forever. I mean that! Good-bye for good....
"Sorry, one more thing. My email did not consist of reasons "why" I can not participate in your wedding, they were reasons why you should not be so hostile about it. I understood you being "upset", that's why I didn't pursue it last week. And my sister & I didn't make a "pact". We made personal decisions. And I could've made exceptions if what is currently going on in my life weren't happening right now, but they are. I can't change that. Like I said last week, I'm sorry you couldn't understand that. But again, with the feelings you have about me & the way you feel I treat people, it was not meant to be anyway. I will not disrupt your life again."
Ok, Now I had had enough!!! Mik had called me cryin' because she was sooo mad! The fact that she was cryin' REALLY pissed me off!!!!! Initially I wasn't going to email TJ's crazy ass at all!! But you know I had to put my two cents in. I emailed her and said:
Okay, 2 questions...
1. Are you serious?
2. Who took a dump in your wheaties, today?
Well, I guess you told me!!! LOL, whatever!! You have a lot of fuckin' nerve, but it's cool!! Soooo, does this mean that I'm not even invited to the wedding?? Well, that's just rude!
TJ - you're entitled to feel any way you want to, I guess. lol - you're a fuckin' joke!
Now I wouldn't be myself if I said something all corny - like "Good bye forever & have a great life", so instead I'll just say fuck you & kiss my ass!!!
As you can see I was HOTTT!! The nerve of this raggedy heffa!!! I talked to BF and anybody else that would listen-- he didn't seen to think that it was such a big deal, which made me even madder!!! I decided not to call her that night, because if she had hung up on me, I would have had to drive hoursRs to Richmond and beat her ass - proper like!!! Luckily for her, I didn't hear back from that night, but I could not get the situation off my mind..The followingng morning, when I got to work, I emailed her again and said:
I thought about your email last night and now that I feel more calm about the situation than I did, yesterday - I figured I would email you this morning. Whether you respond or not doesn't really matter - at this point, I don't have anything to gain/lose by pursuing/dismissing this friendship.
What I thought mainly was that that email did not really apply to ME. I have not required you to jump through hoops or kiss my ass. I talk to you damn near everyday via email and/or telephone. So what are you talking about?
For the record, it's not up to you to decide what I have money for. I work everyday and spend my money how I see fit. That's it & I don't see why I have to explain anything else to you. If YOU are such a good friend that is there in good times and in bad times, then why all the drama about me not being in your wedding. I could see if I said "No, I won't be in it, and I won't be there, and I don't want to hear about, and...Youou get the point.
As far as me being selfish, I disagree. If anyone has jumped through hoops for this so-called friendship, it has been me. I'm the one that has pursued you time and time again- not the other way around - so what about that says selfish???
Yes, you are paranoid - this whole conspiracy theory that you have conjured up is a little over-the-top, don't ya think? Who sits around for years just waiting for the right moment to get back at someone?? Get real! Who says that you were even ever going to get married?? So if you didn't get engaged, do you think that I would sit around waiting for your retirement party and not show up for that??? lol - really TJ, that is a bit much.
So, my theory is that you mulled this over & then got all pissed off, angry and "hurt". I don't believe that you have forgiven yourself for our past and that's not my problem. I have forgiven you and that's why I still keep in contact with you and continually invite you places. I hope that you can eventually forgive yourself and maybe we can avoid any futures explosions. This whole long email may be in vain, since you're not speaking to me anymore. The nerve...
THEN SHE SAID:
I was thinking about it last night too and the email WAS truly directed at Mik for the most part. I am upset about you choosing not to be in the wedding but all the other stuff about kissing ass was to her not you. I was calling Mik selfish, not you. She just really gets to me sometimes. I actually should have just sent the email to her only and I do apologize. You're right, I haven't forgiven myself for the past and maybe someday I can. It's my guilt that's making feel the way I do but I can't help it. Every time I talk to you guys I think about it and wonder if ya'll are thinking about it too. Anyway. it's over now thanks to me, again and I take the blame, again. I didn't realize how upset I was until later that night on Friday after I spoke to you both about be in in my wedding. Your reasons sounded like something I had said to you guys plenty of times so it hit a nerve. I thought you guys were holding a grudge deep down. I am sorry for the email to you and SOME to Mik but most of it to her MEANT. I know you well enough to know you won't spend much time upset at me. You yourself have said that you just let stuff just roll off of your back these days because you don't like to stress anymore. I don't know how to carry it from here on out so I'll follow your lead. If you don't respond I'll understand. As for Mik, it still stands. She has been a good friend over the years but so much has changed that I'd just rather leave her alone. I felt so uncomfortable at her house when I was there...I REALLY wanted you to come to her party. I was hoping you had a surprise and would pop up. Anyway, again 95% of that email was not directed at you J. I should have clarified that. I am upset about what I did but I thought long and hard about it before I decided to do what I did. I have found out some things that Mik has said about me to a fellow colleague that knows someone in Richmond that knowDie and it got back to me so I have nothing else to say to her. You and I, I don't know what to do. After the things I said it's probably best to not talk because I wouldn't know what else to say but I"M SORRY!!! It's up to you...I'm out.
WE TALKED ONCE OR TWICE AFTER THAT, BUT THAT WAS IT. IT HAD GONE TOO FAR AT THAT POINT AND I DON'T THINK THAT I NEED TO BE ARGUIN' WIT NO FEMALE LIKE THAT!!! BF & I DON'T EVEN GET INTO IT LIKE THAT!!! (at least not very often - lol) HER WEDDING IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN JUNE AND I GUESS I'M NOT GOING TO GET INVITED!!! LOL - OH, WELL, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA JUST LET SOME PEOPLE GO!! I THINK SHE DEFINITELY FITS IN THAT CATEGORY!! I THINK I WAS MORE THAN A GOOD FRIEND TO HER, AND SHE'LL BE LUCKY IF SHE EVER MEETS ANYONE ELSE LIKE ME. OF COURSE SHE WON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE LIKE ME - AS LONG AS SHE'S MARRIED.
Got any crazy friend stories?? Please share!
